


Back To Your Arms

by messyeater



Category: Femslash - Fandom, Glee, Pezberry - Fandom, Rachel Berry/Santana Lopez - Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-16
Updated: 2012-06-27
Packaged: 2017-10-29 16:05:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/321690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/messyeater/pseuds/messyeater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rachel got all she ever wanted in life: A career. A house of her own. She even got the leading man. But what if the sudden reappearance of this one person she desperately wanted to forget changes everything?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Never Say Goodbye (Prologue)

…  
Rachel slams the door so hard the frames on her bedroom wall literally shake. She tries with everything in her to stop the tears from falling but it was no use. What she is feeling is beyond everything she had ever felt before. Hurt. Betrayal. Anger. Heartbreak. Everything is so jumbled up inside her that she isn’t even sure whether or not her heart is still beating.

She feels so numb that all she can do is to let her emotions control her and she let her body slowly slide on floor with her back on the door, burying her face on her palms as she let go of the sob she’s been holding in.

How could something so perfect turned into this horrible feeling?

Perhaps she’d been wrong all along. Perhaps everything everybody have been saying all along were true. She was so blinded by the perfection, by the love that she refused to look deeper into the picture.

How could someone as popular as Santana Lopez would even give her the time of day anyway?

Apparently, she’s a loser and she always will be.

She desperately felt like wanting to bury herself into an empty hole and never come out. She feels so helpless and she doesn’t even have the strength to make herself stand up and move to the bed. She doesn’t even bother picking up her phone that has been buzzing off non-stop since she ran to her room, leaving a stunned Santana with a resounding slap before walking away from her on her front porch.

She stares at her palm and can still feel the sting and the redness from slapping the girl. It somehow dissipates any hope she has that everything that happened is just a bad dream. A nightmare she is so anxious to wake up from. Santana did what she’d been dreading she would do the moment they get into a serious relationship.

Santana cheated on her, and just the thought of her kissing and touching someone else aside from herself is enough to break her heart into a million tiny pieces.

And yet after everything Santana did she couldn’t get herself to deny that she was still hopelessly in love with her.  
Maybe she’s a lost cause. Maybe she’d gone crazy because she couldn’t get herself to completely hate Santana for doing what she did. That the love she feels for her isn’t any less than before this big old mess and she knows it deep it in her heart.

How pathetic of her to be so irrevocably in love with someone who doesn’t even care about her.

There was a soft knock on the other side of her door and she immediately wipes her tears and forces herself not to choke. The last thing she wants is for her dads to see her like she might as well look like a zombie.

“Rachel, baby, are you alright?” her dad’s concern tone went through the door.

Rachel swallows hard, willing her voice to sound as if she hasn’t cried for a good amount of time. “I-I’m fine, dad.”

“Well, just so you know, Santana’s been standing in front of our porch for the past hour.” He clears his throat, “She seemed upset and she refuses to talk to either your dad or me.”

She tenses up immediately at that and her heart beat doubles at the knowledge that Santana hasn’t left her general vicinity.

“It’s fine, dad. Just… just leave her alone.” she reassures once more, suddenly finding the energy to stand up from the floor and walk to her window. Sure enough she could see Santana’s figure still in front of her house, leaning on the front porch and looking completely dejected.

Rachel couldn’t deny the tug in her heart at the sight of the other girl. She can’t help but hope that maybe Santana loves her just as much as she had believed and hoped for if she is willing to stand there and wait.

She wants to go to her so badly. She wants to touch her hand and kiss her and just forget about everything that ever happened but her mind kept telling her not to cave in so easily.

She knows though that she would have to face her eventually. She would have to talk to her and tell her to go home before either of her Dads gets suspicious. They certainly don’t know anything about what Santana had done to upset her. They thought it was just a petty argument and that they would be okay in the morning. Rachel doesn’t even bother telling them it was more than petty.

The funny thing is she can’t find it in herself to send her away. There was a selfish part of her, the irrational one that wants so badly for Santana to stay. To wait for her. For her to do something. Anything. Maybe throw rocks at her window, or climb in her bedroom.

Tell her that she loves her and that no one else matters.

She glances down at Santana once again and fights the fresh tears from coming, remembering the events that lead up to this horrible mess. How she had walked in on them in the cheerios locker room. How she had kissed that new girl the way she used to kiss her. That girl’s evil smirk when she pulled away from Santana and saw her watching. How Santana had ran after her when she realized that she was just standing there all along. How she kept on running, pushing through the crowd in the hallway, keeping her tears at bay and failing miserably. How Santana pounded desperately on the window of her car, saying words she couldn’t hear from inside as she bawled over the steering wheel. How she uncoordinatedly started her car, watching a dejected Santana watch her speed away from her rearview mirror.

Now she’s just standing there in front of her house, waiting. For what, Rachel doesn’t really know but she can only guess. Only it isn’t that easy. She can’t find it in herself to face her. Looking at her from afar is something… but facing her? Talking to her and standing close to her again? She doesn’t think she can do it without actually crying.

But she has to. She knows Santana is stubborn enough to wait there all evening and freeze to death.

The trek through the stairs is one slow and torturous. As if every step is like a shard of glass painfully stabbing something in her stomach. She reaches the front door and takes a deep breath, hand precariously clutching the doorknob but instead of opening the door she slumps her whole body on the wooden frame and breathes Santana’s name.

She hears her move closer to the door.

“Rachel…”

A fresh wave of tears threatens once again as soon as she hears her say her name. She bits her lip hard in an effort to keep herself from crying out.

“Please leave.” She whispers brokenly.

“Rachel.” Her voice sounds so hoarse and close, as if she was leaning on the doorframe herself.

She struggles and wills herself not to open the door and take Santana in her arms and never let go. She knows she has to be strong. She’s tired of hurting. She’s tired of always getting her heart broken. She knows once she opens the door she’s letting herself be at risk of going through the same miserable feeling again and that’s something she doesn’t want to happen.

She doesn’t think she can survive it anymore.

“Just go, Santana.” She chokes out. “Please… just leave.”

“I can’t.”

“You’re only hurting me. And I-I can’t stand it.”

There was silence and for a moment Rachel thought Santana finally left but then she feels more than hears that the other girl shifted and now has her back resting on the door. She sighs and does the same.

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” Santana speaks again, her voice soft but firm. “It hurts me, too, you know. To know that you’re in pain, to know that I’m the cause of it… and that I couldn’t do anything about it.”

Rachel can’t hold the fresh tears any longer so she gave up trying and let the pain flow as she listens to that voice she would probably give anything to hear.

“Then why did you do it?” she finds herself asking.

Santana doesn’t answer immediately and it feels like eternity before she finally speaks once again. Rachel just wanted to know why. She just needed to hear her reason.

“I don’t have any excuse for what I did.” She murmurs, “It happened and there’s nothing I can say or do to take it back. But Rachel… you have to know how I regretted it. How I wished it didn’t happen. I should’ve pushed her away-”

“But you didn’t,” she cuts in. She can’t bear to hear any of it anymore. She feels that glass cutting deep again and it was hurting more than ever. “You didn’t push her away and you…”

She can’t even say the word cheated. Just saying the word makes her heart squeeze painfully.

“I love you.” Santana continues and Rachel feels like her heart literally stops beating at the words. Those were the words she’d been desperately wanting to hear from her for a long time. “I’m so in love with you I don’t think I can survive being without you. I’m so in love with you that I find it hard to breathe when you’re not around me. I’m so in love with you I would give up everything I have just so you would stop hurting.”

She buries her face in her palms and cries silently, wanting more than anything for Santana to continue.

There was another minute of silence, but for Rachel it feels like eternity before she hears the other girl sigh from the other side.

“Rachel,” she breathes once again, her voice now sounded broken and crestfallen, like she was giving up on something she isn’t willing to give up in the first place. “I’m so in love with you that I’m willing to let you go.”

And that’s where Rachel finally snaps. She lets out everything she’s been holding in a fit of sob and cries hard in the front door of her house with the person she loves the most on the other side like she’s never cried before.

“I love you, Rachel.” Santana says once more, a hint of a strangled whimper coming deep within her throat. “I love you so damn much.” She pauses and chokes, making her voice waiver. “But… but I know I’m just going to break your heart. I’m going to break it over and over and you’ll hate me eventually, and-and I can’t take that.”

“So I have to do this. I have to let you go. I’m breaking you and it’s killing me inside.”

Rachel feels like her heart is being ripped out at her words. As if the pain that seems to settle inside her isn’t enough to make her go numb. As if the lump in her throat feels bigger than ever, making it hard to breathe.

She doesn’t say anything. She can’t anyway and she can only let out muffled cries as she waits and listen for Santana’s breathing.

It was quiet again for a moment and then she feels Santana starts to move and she knows she’s finally getting up. She’s leaving. She’s leaving her without a fight and Rachel knows deep in her heart that she just can’t let her.

She’s fast to stand up from the floor, wrenches the doorknob open and calls out for Santana.

“Don’t let me go!”

Santana is halfway to her car and she turns as soon as she hears Rachel’s agonized voice. She doesn’t move. She just stands on her spot as she watches Rachel slowly walks over to her, a sobbing mess but beautiful just the same.

“Don’t let me go, Santana.” She murmurs once more when she gets close enough to hear her.

The two of them did not make an attempt to move any further. They were standing face to face, just staring at each other as if one wrong gesture would break them. Rachel could see the anguish in Santana’s eyes and feels her heart breaking once again at the sight.

“Look what I did to you,” Santana whispers quietly, gazing at her with utmost agony, her tears falling freely. “You don't deserve this.”

Rachel purses her lips in an attempt to keep herself from bawling once again, looking at Santana straight in the eyes. “No.” she answers truthfully, “I deserved this. Everything… It’s-it’s me all along. I did this to myself.”

“You’re just saying that.” Santana counters wearingly, “I know it’s my fault… I’ve always known that you’re too good for me. That I don’t deserve you. Here I am proving it.”

“Santana,” she pleads, moving closer so they were now a few inches apart that Rachel could almost feel Santana’s soft, warm breath on her skin. “What you did… what happened, it breaks my heart because I love you. I love you so much that I’d literally go crazy. That loving you is like an addiction, like an unhealthy obsession. And I know I have to stop and get a hold of myself because nothing good would come out of it but-but I just couldn’t, and look what happened.”

Santana desperately squeezes her eyes shut, “Don’t.” she whimpers, “I know what you’re doing. You’re taking the blame because you’re too good when you and I both know that this is all on me. Don’t you see, Rachel? I’m just going to hurt you. I’m going to hurt you over and over until you’ll end up damaged beyond repair.”

Rachel swallows the lump in her throat and reaches a tentative hand out to caress Santana’s tear-filled cheek. She knows it.

She knows she’d have her heart so broken that functioning would be difficult. But she realizes is that if saving her heart means that she’d lose Santana-the one person she’d literally give up everything for-then she’s prepared to live a life with a damaged heart than let her go.

“I know...” she murmurs. “But if it means you’ll stay with then it’ll be worth it.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” Santana hisses in protest, backing away a little. “I don’t - I can’t let myself do that to you, Rachel. I don’t want to hurt you… but I know I will, eventually. I can’t let that happen. Not again.”

Rachel steps forward to her, catching her cheeks firmly in her palms in desperation, “Listen to me, Santana. I love you, okay? I love you and I won’t let anything like this break us. You might end up hurting me but I’ll make a promise that I’ll try my best not to let you. I’ll help you. We’ll help each other, okay? Okay?”

She leans her forehead on Santana’s, cheeks still wet with tears, willing her thoughts to come across. Wanting the other girl to know that she means everything she just said.

Santana squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head anxiously. “Rachel, can’t you see what you’re doing to me? I am so fucking in love with you that I’m slowly losing myself.”

Rachel made an attempt to protest but Santana cut her off, starting again. “I’m scared, okay? I’m scared for myself. I’m scared for you. I’m scared of what all of this means!”

“I’m scared that if I don’t stop now I’ll end up killing myself at the thought of losing you if I break you again.”

“You won’t lose me,” She insisted once more, pressing herself on Santana. “I’m yours forever. I’m yours.”

Santana just gives her a scandalized look but bit her lip and captures her mouth then for a desperate kiss and it was everything but soft. The kiss was heavy. Needy and feverish. It was nothing compare to the kisses they shared before. As if Rachel’s lips is the only thing that keeps her grounded to the earth. Rachel doesn’t mind the sudden assault and attempts to deepen her mouth on hers but before she could close her tongue on Santana’s, the other girl starts to pull away.

“I can’t.” Santana sniffles, slowly backing out.

Rachel watches, transfixed, as the girl she loves runs away and hops in her car, tires screeching as she speeds away in the distance.  
…  
TBC


	2. Just a Dreamer

...

Rachel Berry is getting married. She’s getting married in less than a month’s time and she couldn’t be happier about it, not to mention her production in which she has the starring role was doing great. She’s been getting good feedback from the press and the critics and talks are even going on for a possible Tony. It was exactly what she always dreamt of; living in New York, having her own condominium overlooking the New York skyline, becoming one of the most sought after Broadway actresses to star in leading roles. It’s everything Rachel had always planned and she knew she had made the right decision after all.

After senior graduation she didn’t even bat an eyelash, immediately packing her bags and heading to New York without so much but a determination. Summer vacation after high school was spent auditioning in various shows that would open a role, any role. She wasn’t very picky at the time even though she knew she was always made for the lead. Besides she was only eighteen and just starting out. Her first role was Girl #2 in the Broadway production of _Mamma Mia!_

Everything fell into place after that. NYADA was actually a very good theater school. Sure, she couldn’t help but admit that there were more than a few who were slightly better than her when it came to theater acting and singing but she knew deep in herself that Rachel Berry was not like the rest of them. She had determination. A purpose to be known. She’d literally give up everything for this. She already did as a matter of fact. She gave up her friends (the ones back in Lima), she gave up being in her dads good graces when she refused to listen to them and bought a one-way ticket to New York all by herself during that summer. They still paid for her college tuition but they didn’t hide their firm disagreement in her “childish” and “selfish” decisions.

She knew they were probably right at the time but she couldn’t help herself. Why stay in a stuck up place like Lima when she could be amazing somewhere else?

Besides, she had nothing left back home.

Everything went downhill for her after that night. The last few months of senior year went by in a blur. New Directions placed third at Nationals and she couldn’t even credit her talents for their win; Mercedes’ range and Blaine’s charm had done it. She was out of it most of the time and then one day she simply just lost interest. Mr. Schuester had even agreed that she should take a backseat for a while.

No one bothered to ask her what was wrong because they all knew what had happened. It was the giant elephant in the room that no one even dared to mention. Not when she was in the same vicinity.

All Rachel knew was that after that night she just hopped in her car and skipped town. No one knew where she went until her parents called the school to inform them that their child was living with her aunt in Chicago. It was the last thing she had heard of her.

It had been a tough last few months for Rachel but after a while she had finally made herself forget.

Five years on and here she was; successful, happy, and getting married.

Jeremy was a producer in one of her shows and the moment they met everything instantly clicked. He was a complete gentleman. Known in the Broadway business as a bit of a player but a good guy all the same. He’d been into her from the beginning but Rachel couldn’t get herself to return the sentiment. She might have forced herself to forget but she couldn’t deny that she still had her heart broken at the time and being in another intimate relationship with someone was the last thing on her mind.

But Jeremy was consistent. He had been a very good and reliable friend. He became a best friend to her when no one else would and for Rachel that seemed to be enough of a reason to give someone a chance. So she did and after years of being with him, he finally bent down on his knees in front of a room full of people and asked for her hand in marriage.

In a month’s time she’d be married to the most amazing guy and she knew she finally got all she ever wanted.

...

Her friends were supposed to meet her after rehearsals and hang out at this new place near the Garment District. It was this club type thingy and she’d been hearing good feedback about the place. She usually didn’t like going to bars and clubs when there were tons of alcohol involved but Jenny and Toby, her cast mates from another show she was in had insisted.

They wanted to show her what she’d be missing the moment she got her hand tied down at 23, they’d said.

Her phone rang and it was Toby calling to tell her that she should just go straight to the place and that all their friends were already there. She just rolled her eyes in irritation of her so-called friends’ thoughtfulness and proceeded to hail a cab.

When she got there, the whole area was already packed. The music was ear-splitting and the people were dancing literally everywhere as she struggled and bumped her way to find where her friends were.

She found Jenny (with her red hair she was the most noticeable) dancing with some guy. She immediately pulled her away by the elbows and fumed in annoyance.

“Hey Rachel, you made it!” Jenny exclaimed, already drunk.

“Obviously,” she snaps. She was angry that her friends seemed to forget that this was supposed to be about her. “Where are the others?”

Jenny just chuckled and pointed up to the second floor where Toby and her other friends were. “Over there, sister!”

Toby instantly saw her and waved but she only glared back, making her way to his table, all but dragging the drunken Jenny with her.

“What’s with the face, Rachel?” Toby greeted cheerfully, oblivious to Rachel’s mood. “This is your night. Your last chances of being happy and single!”

“If this is your idea of being happy and single then I don’t know why I’m even friends with you,” she chastised, taking a seat and crossing her arms over her chest. She couldn’t stand her friends sometimes.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Alex, another cast mate of hers just gave her an amused look. “Looks like someone’s on the monthly visit.”

“Thanks for pointing that out, Alex. But no, I’m not on my period,” she answered calmly but gave him the death glare.

“Chill, Rachel. We’re here to have fun!” Toby announced, grabbing a beer and handing it to her.

She just rolled her eyes, accepting the bottle and setting it on the table. “I don’t drink this kind of stuff.”

“Buzz kill!” Jenny groaned from her spot, throwing a peanut her way.

“Yeah, might as well try while you’re still unwed,” Alex piped in once again. Toby gave her an encouraging grin.

She sighed and picked up the bottle, taking a hesitant swig. Her friends gave a hearty woot the moment the tip touched her lips.

The taste was repulsive.

This wasn’t her first time drinking but she’d always opted for the ones that didn’t make her stomach hurl; beer clearly wasn’t one of them. She made a face and instantly put away the bottle.

“Giving up already?” Jenny taunted half-heartedly.

She ignored them and made a move to stand up, excusing herself for the rest room although the truth was she didn’t think she could stand being in their company at the moment when they were acting like a bunch of obnoxious teenagers. She knew this was a bad idea; bars weren’t really her thing. She was more on fine dining and theater shows.

She had all the intentions of leaving that place. She would call Jeremy to come pick her up but she knew he was probably busy at the moment. Besides, she’d had a rough day at rehearsals because her co-star called in sick and they’d had a hard time getting the choreography right.

And this was supposed to be her night after all.

She spotted the cocktail bar on her way out and decided that she could take a little break.

“One Apple Martini please,” she ordered without looking at the guy who was serving at the counter. It took a couple of minutes before the bartender came back with her drink. She instantly took a hold of the glass and finally looked up to say thank you when a pair of brown eyes met her own.

“It’s on the house.”

To say that Rachel was stunned was an understatement. She was speechless beyond belief. She could do nothing but stare as she recognized the face of the one person she hadn’t seen in years.

They smiled, making her heart beat double.

“Hi Rachel.”

She blinked herself away from the sudden trance she was in and forced her tongue out of her mouth, “Santana…”

…

 _TBC_


	3. Breathe Again

...

The midnight air sent chills down Rachel’s back the moment they stepped out of the crowded bar. She wrapped her coat tighter around herself and tried her best to avoid looking at Santana for longer than she should, but she somehow couldn’t help it. It had been five years since she last saw her face and she realized she’d started to forget small details of what she used to look like; from the way she quirked her eyebrows to those dimples she used to charm her way with people.

Rachel was immediately flooded with memories when she noticed how she still had that same crooked smile. In a street where people were passing by everywhere, it felt like they were the only two that existed.

But at the same time she was having a hard time recognizing this person standing next to her. She couldn’t figure out why exactly but it definitely had something to do with her eyes. How they didn’t hold the same glow she used to see in them when they were together.

How they looked almost… morose.

Rachel wanted to ask her so badly what had happened after she left or even why she had to leave town in the first place. Was she really that scared of being with Rachel that she’d chose to run away from everyone without an explanation or a simple goodbye? But if not to Rachel, then at least to their friends; she owed them that much. They all worried about her just as much as she did.They tried contacting her as far as communication would allow but after everything she didn’t even make a single effort to answer any of their calls or emails.

She wanted to be angry at her; to demand all her reasons for leaving. Didn’t she think it had been hard for her, too? Was she really that selfish?

Yet she couldn’t find it in herself to voice any of it. She didn’t know exactly where to start. All she could do was wait; fidgeting with her hands as the deafening silence between them slowly ate away at her.

Santana finally turned to her with that bright smile of hers and Rachel wondered how she could still smile at her like that, like nothing in the past five years had happened?

“Small world, huh?” she commented, dry humor evident in her tone.

Rachel didn’t answer and instead found interest in staring at the rusted lamp post on the sidewalk.

“So…uhm, how have you been?” Santana tried again.

 _How have you been?_ That’s all she had to say? Rachel wanted to shake her and demand if she was for real. In fact she wanted to pinch herself to know if _any_ of this was real. That Santana was really standing in front of her, asking her how she had been after years of not seeing each other.

Rachel just let out a heavy sigh and forced herself to look her in the eye.

“I’m great. Couldn’t be better.”

It was a cold response, she knew. The truth was she didn’t know how to talk to her anymore than Santana did. A lot of the things that had been left unsaid between them had become too much of a burden for Rachel that she didn’t even know what to say.

Santana met her stare, her brow furrowing as if she was trying to figure out what she was thinking.

“So I’ve heard.” She looked down at her feet for a fleeting second, hesitated then looked back up again and gave her a small smile. “Congratulations on…you know.”

Rachel nodded and looked away suddenly feeling a lump rising in her throat. _Of course_ she’d heard about it. The engagement had been all over the paper.

She waited a moment before speaking again, swallowing hard. “How…how long have you been in the city?”

“Three months.” Santana made a move to rest her back on the wall of the bar behind them. “One of my friends had this idea of opening and co-managing a bar. I thought it was a great idea. And I’ve always wanted to work in one, you know? Free beers and all that.”

Rachel had to suppress a smile at that. She instantly felt a wave of nostalgia at Santana still having that humor after all these years.

“So you own the place,” was all she could think of responding with.

“Co-managing. My friend mostly pays for the expenses. ‘Sides I don’t have much to go along with. College drop outs don’t usually get to have decent jobs that pay good.”

That made Rachel stare at her in confusion, “You dropped out of College?”

Santana looked across the street and shrugged, “Dad’s really pissed but he’ll live.”

Rachel wanted to ask why. Didn’t she want to be a lawyer? She’d always prided herself in knowing how to manipulate people; psyche them with words. Weren’t they qualities of good lawyers?

“So you just dropped out like that? Like it’s nothing?”

 _Like us. Just like you dropped us._

It definitely had hit a nerve and she saw Santana go rigid at the statement. She instantly regretted even saying anything. _She_ didn’t want to think about it now. _She_ didn’t want to remember.

“Rachel…”

 _Don’t._

She wanted to leave. She wanted to get away from her. She didn’t like the sudden rush of emotion at hearing how Santana said her name the way she used to. The way only she knew how.

Rachel turned away from her, desperately squeezing her eyes shut to prevent any tears from falling. She wasn’t going to cry. Not in this place and not in front of her.

There was silence and for a second Rachel thought of looking back at Santana to see what she was doing. But she stopped herself and held her breath; she didn’t want her to see the heart break of years ago still obviously present on her face. After all this time she thought she had moved on; that she had forgotten everything. But then she sees _her_ again and every single feeling she had felt had came flooding back in an instant.

She had to get away from her, and fast.

“I’m going to go now,” she murmured coldly, turning on the sidewalk as a cab pulled up in front of her.

She grabbed hold of the car door, every intention of leaving as fast as her feet would allow but she was stopped when Santana called out to her.

“I’m so sorry, Rachel,” she whispered in a voice only loud enough for her to hear.

Rachel’s breath hitched but she chose not to respond, opening the cab and hopping inside without ever glancing back at Santana, leaving her standing on the sidewalk.

…

The insistent buzzing from her front door woke Rachel from her deep sleep. She groaned into her pillow and forced herself to stand up. Wiping her mouth, she opened the door only to be greeted by her boyfriend standing expectantly in front of her.

“Rachel.” Jeremy let out a relieved sigh and enveloped her in a bone-crushing hug. “I’ve been trying to contact you all night. Where have you been?”

Rachel looked at him in confusion. He’d been calling? She couldn’t recall even having her phone last night. As soon as she got home she threw all her belongings on the living room couch and jumped into bed. She may have cried herself to sleep but she certainly couldn’t remember anything more.

“I’ve been here all night,” she mumbled hesitantly from his chest.

“Toby told me you left them and that they didn’t know where you went. I tried calling you as soon as I could and I got really worried when you didn’t pick up.”

She must’ve left her phone somewhere. She was too preoccupied and felt so exhausted last night she didn’t even have the mind to care about anything else.

“I’m sorry, I must’ve lost it.”

She had a fairly good idea where but she really didn’t want to think about it when her fiancé had her in an embrace so warm it melted away all the coldness she was feeling in her chest.

“It’s okay.” Jeremy smiled and kissed her forehead tenderly. “Just don’t make me worry like that again and we’re good.”

She nodded and smiled back, standing on tiptoes to give him a peck on the lips, “I promise.”

Rachel's heart flutter at how sweet her fiance was being. How could she even be so lucky to have someone like him? A guy like him deserved someone who would devote all their love and affection to him completely. Yet here he was in her arms, holding her as if she’s the most precious thing in the world. She knew that whatever happened last night had just been another part of her past that she should’ve let go of a long time ago. Jeremy was her present and future now. He was her everything now. _She_ on the other hand was just a distant memory of her past life she would be willing to forget to finally move forward with her new one.

…

She was nervous at going back there to be honest. She didn’t think her heart could beat any faster at the thought of being face to face with her again. She just had to get her phone, leave just as fast and that would be it. But she’d been standing in the same spot in front of the bar for God knows how long and she couldn’t will herself to just go in and be done with it.

Her inner musings were interrupted however when she felt a hand on her shoulders, making her almost jump out of her skin.

“Whoa, calm down Missy, I’m not gonna mug ya.”

It was a girl with long black messy hair, wearing a tank top and leather pants. She looked like a rockstar except that she wasn’t. Rachel just stared for a moment trying to calm her raging heart as the other girl looked her up and down. The girl started smirking to herself and continued to leer at her.

Rachel gulped audibly and tried not to notice how she was checking her out, “I apologize.You just startled me is all.”

The girl frowned and started chewing on her gum, “You talk like you’re from another century, girly. Now that’s a total turn off, ya know?”

She blushed slightly and decided to ignore the comment, cutting to the reason of why she was there in the first place. “I’m sorry but I’m actually looking for Santana Lopez. She works here and I need to see her.”

 “You lookin’ for my home girl?” Leather girl chewed on and looked at her curiously. “Listen here, if you’re one of her hook ups then I’m sorry, Lopez doesn’t do relationships and commitments and all that shit. So just save your time and forget the bitch.”

Rachel faltered at the information but she tried to hide the surprising hurt that crossed her face. “I’m not one of her ‘hook ups’,” she said in a small voice, biting her lip and nervously but determinedly looking up at the girl. “Look, can you just tell me where she is?”

“Whoa, okay...no need to bust a window at me.” The girl held her hands playfully, smirking once more and pointed with her thumb at the entrance of the bar. “She’s inside.”

Rachel just nodded her thanks, swallowing hard and anxiously stepping inside without so much as a backward glance.

The place looked empty apart from the tables and upturned chairs; it looked completely different from how it was last night. She nervously roamed her eyes around for a moment until she spotted the cocktail bar and sure enough she found the girl she was looking for sitting on the counter busily writing over something.

She tried to keep the beat of her heart under control and forced herself to take a deep breath as she slowly went over to her, but then someone yelled from behind before she could even make it to where Santana was sitting.

“Yo, Lopez! There’s a fine ass girl lookin’ for you.”

It was Leather girl.

That instantly caught Santana’s attention and she looked up just in time to see Rachel standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, staring at her.

“Rachel…” Santana stared back for a moment, looking stunned at the sight of her.

Rachel pulled herself together and defiantly walked up to her.

“I’m only here for my phone,” she stated indifferently, trying to avoid looking at her in the eyes.

That seemed to pull Santana from whatever trance she was in, immediately breaking her intense gaze from Rachel and reaching into her back pocket for the phone.

“O-of course… here.”

She handed her the phone, their fingers touching briefly. Rachel felt instant electricity at the contact and pulled her hand away, looking down at her shoes.

“Thank you,” she mumbled timidly.

“You’re lucky one of our staff found it or you never would’ve seen the end of it,” Santana said in an attempt at conversation.

Rachel smiled weakly and turned to leave but not before Santana caught her by the arm, making her freeze on the spot.

“Look, Rachel…” she sighed heavily. “I’m really freaking sorry for everything. I-I just…maybe we could…”

“What?” Rachel finally looked at her and waited.

Santana let go of her arm and gave her a sad smile, “Maybe we could at least be friends again.”

Rachel thought for a moment then shook her head, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Santana.”

“Why not? I mean, we were friends before all of this and…and I know you’re mad at me but you’ve moved on and you’re…you’re getting _married_ now so I don’t think any of _that_ should matter anymore.”

 _It still matters_.

Rachel wanted to scream at her. All she wanted to do was forget about her and that night and she didn’t think she could if she was constantly going to see Santana and have her act like nothing had happened between them; she didn’t think her heart could handle it.

“It’s just that…” Santana continued when she didn’t say anything. “It’s just that I really missed you, Rachel.”

“Stop!” Rachel squeezed her eyes shut, trying her best to clear her mind of anything. “Just stop, Santana.”

There was silence as she opened her eyes again to see Santana looking desperately at her. She intended to just walk away from her yet again when something around her neck caught her eye.

It was the necklace she gave Santana on her birthday.

Santana seemd to realize what she was staring at and immediately tucked the necklace under the collar of her shirt.

Rachel bit her lip and pleaded in a weak voice, “Please don’t screw with my head. I’m getting married and I really don’t need this from you right now.”

Santana regarded her for a moment before sighing heavily and finally nodding in defeat, “I... I understand. Don’t worry, I won’t bother you anymore. Just…forget we ever met.”

Something twisted in Rachel’s chest at Santana’s words but she held herself together. She mumbled a final thank you before turning around once again, passing Leather girl who had been watching them the whole time. She could barely contain her tears as she made it outside, waiving for a cab and breaking down in sobs as soon as she got in the back seat.

…

 _TBC_


	4. Find A Way

 

…

The wedding countdown slowly reduced to days and truth be told Rachel never felt more nervous in her entire life. The butterflies that were currently residing in her stomach vaguely reminded her of when she debuted in her first leading role in _Wicked_ where she almost puke her guts out because she had never performed with such a huge and important crowd before _,_ only difference from then and now was this – getting married is the real deal and that she didn’t think anyone’s words of encouragement would actually help ease her apprehension at the moment.

If she was being honest with herself she knew that she was beyond terrified at the prospect of finally tying the knot and settling down. It had been six months since Jeremy proposed and she had plenty of time to prepare herself but she knew somewhere along the way that she’d at least be having cold feet.

Who doesn’t anyway? That has always been part of getting married, wasn’t it? Getting scared because it was a life altering decision and that the moment she vows to be with a person for the rest of her life; her decisions, her responsibilities, and everything that involves her life would have to be carefully weighed and thought over with her partner.

Everything will change the moment she stepped into the altar and finally gives herself to Jeremy.

She took a deep breath, exhaling loudly and calming her overactive nerves. She shouldn’t be feeling that way. Maybe she should stop over thinking things. Marrying Jeremy has never felt so right and she knew she made the right choice. Her nerves were just getting the best part of her.

She was making the right choice, she knew it.

Jeremy loves her. She loves him and cares for him and she’ll do anything to make him happy. That should be enough of a reason to forget everything else and give all of herself to him.

…

Rachel should’ve known better than to trust Jenny with these kinds of things. She should have known that the girl would not easily grasp the idea of a sit down dinner as her preference for her _own_ bachelorette party. She even insisted that she wanted the guests to wear formal but no, when she arrived at the exclusive bar that they rented for the night everyone was already there and none of them were wearing anything that resembles formal. She looked down at her dress then back to the entrance and sighed in exasperation.

She spotted Jenny immediately as soon as she entered the bar and Rachel didn’t hesitate and went over to her, dragging the girl by the arms and away from the people she had surrounded herself with.

“Explain yourself!”

Jenny, clearly surprised by her actions just gave her a blank look, “Wh-what is your problem!?”

“This isn’t what we agreed on!” she demanded, making sure not to hide the frustration in her voice.

The red head rolled her eyes and shrugged, “Look, I’m sorry Rach, but your idea’s kind of lame. I know this is your party and all but you know, a party’s still a party and I had to do something to spice it up a bit.”

“Spice it up by making it look like a frat party? This is a bachelorette party, you know right before I get married? _My_ bachelorette party!”

“Right, you know what? Whatever! It’s done. Might as well enjoy the night.” Jenny gave her another nonchalant shrug before walking away and back where she had left off.

“Jenny!” Rachel called out but the girl was already out of earshot. She heaved a sigh of exasperation and threw her hands in the air in defeat. She bit her lip and stood there for a moment before letting out another breath and forcing herself back to the party.

She was in a foul mood once she was inside and she didn’t bother acquainting herself with the people around. She was sure she didn’t even know half of them.

Trust her best friend to ruin the night for her.

A few hours into the night Rachel found herself sitting alone on the bar stool nursing a cup of wine coolers and wondering what in Barbra’s name she was doing there in the first place. She should be having fun, enjoying her last few nights of being single. She shouldn’t be thinking about suddenly having doubts. Or even cold feet. No, she wouldn’t even go there.

There was nothing to think over about in the first place.

She looked around the place again with everyone having a good time and not caring and she rolled her eyes dramatically before reaching for a bottle of whiskey and downing it like there’s no tomorrow.

…

“Hey,”

Rachel looked up at the voice, feeling disoriented and blurry eyed for a second. She blinked a few times to clear up her vision and sat up straighter to give the owner of the voice a good look.

There was a moment where she thought she was seeing things. She squinted hard just to make sure her eyes weren’t playing tricks on her and she almost choked on herself when she realized it wasn’t. Her heart hammered almost immediately and she felt her body instantly frozen to the spot.

And yet again she found herself face to face with Santana Lopez for the third time in just one week. If that wouldn’t sober her up she didn’t know what will.

“Wh – what are you doing here?” she managed to ask.

Santana smiled and pointed her thumb to where Jenny was dancing around with some guys Rachel swore she’d never seen before, “She invited me. Well, she hired me for the night and promised good money. I couldn’t pass up.”

She tried to bite her tongue from saying that this was her party and that Jenny didn’t have the right to invite _or hire_ everyone she pleases. She somehow managed to just nod her head and avoid having any eye contact.

“I… thought we were clear that we are not to see each other again.” Rachel stated in a small but firm voice. Surely Jenny must’ve mentioned that this was supposed to be her bachelorette party at least.

There was silence and Rachel had to glance to see what’s stalling the girl from answering her question.

Santana was staring intensely at her Rachel thought she might be transfixed.

“I couldn’t do it,” Santana finally spoke, her look not wavering.

Rachel tensed, the answer forcing her to finally look straight at the girl she once thought she knew very well.

“I just – I feel like such an idiot. All those years I never… I – Rachel, you’d never know how sorry I was – I _am_ for everything that happened, that I’ve done to you. I –”

“Don’t do this Santana,” Rachel interrupted, putting her hand up to stop her for saying anything more. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear any of it. “Just… don’t.”

Santana sighed, “That’s the second time you’ve said that to me.”

“I mean it,” she insisted, looking down at her hands and feeling a sudden tightness in her chest. “We… We have to stop meeting like this.”

They have to stop meeting at all, she wanted to add.

“Okay. Fine, I get it.” Santana nodded, finally looking away. “You hated me. You hated me and you can’t even stand to be in the same room as me. I get it.”

“That’s not… I didn’t – I don’t hate you, Santana.”

Santana was silent once again but Rachel couldn’t will herself to look up this time. She didn’t want to see her face, or the sadness she was sure to see in her eyes.

“Will you at least dance with me?” the request sounded hopeful, scared but confident all at the same time. She wanted to laugh because it was classic Santana. The Santana she knew from high school. It was familiar.

She suddenly found herself craving for the familiarity.

What was she doing anyway? She was pushing away the girl who once broke her heart because she didn’t think she could handle her being in the same room. That she didn’t want to let her come back in her life in fear of going through the same ordeal again. For Christ sake she was getting married in a month’s time. Dealing with an ex who wants to at least be friends again should be the least of her worries.

She found the courage to look up once again and found Santana smiling hopefully at her. Really, she wanted to refuse, walk away and never look back but there was something about the way Santana was looking at her, that old Lopez charm she still remembered so clearly in place.

Besides one dance wouldn’t even change anything; they’ll go out there, be done with it then go their own separate ways. Maybe then they could finally have a proper closure.

Still feeling her heart pounding like it was ready to come out of her chest, Rachel smiled tentatively back at the girl and nodded.

Santana’s smile widened and she reached out for her hand. Rachel hesitated for a second, swallowing the nervous lump in her throat before taking her offered hand and making their way on the crowded dance floor.

As if on cue the band for the night switched the music from loud to a slow steady acoustic beat and started playing City and Colour’s _Like Knives_. Rachel had to suppress a snort at the irony but didn’t falter when Santana took hold of her waist and gesture for her to put her arms on her shoulder. They were awkward for a second, with Rachel still refusing to make eye contact.

They didn’t speak the whole time and Rachel might’ve liked it that way. Besides she couldn’t think of anything to say. There was only an inch between them and she can feel the warmness of Santana’s body and yet she couldn’t get herself to ask her all the stuff she wanted to ask since the day Santana left her.

She wanted to ask what made her leave town in the first place.

But she couldn’t trust herself to ask the question. She didn’t think she wanted to hear the answer anyway.

What was the whole point honestly? She said goodbye to this part of her life a long time ago. She shouldn’t be digging a hole in the past just because it showed up out of nowhere asking to come back.

Or at least _she_ wanted to be friends and Rachel still couldn’t decide whether she wanted that too or not.

She took a quiet breath and lowered her head in apprehension, her eyes instantly catching the glint on Santana’s neck, making her remember.

“You kept it,” she whispered.

Santana looked confused for a second but she followed Rachel’s line of sight and she visibly tensed at the realization.

There was a strangled pause before Santana relaxed and shrugged her shoulders in fake indifference.

“Yeah well, it’s the only thing I have left of you.”

Rachel felt that lump in her throat again; the one that makes her breathing hard and she felt like choking for lack of air. She could almost feel her heart melting at the thought of Santana keeping the one thing she would remind her of Rachel. Memories instantly rushed back to the time when she gave her the necklace and the smile Santana sported for a week because she claimed that it was one the best gifts she’d ever received in her life.

Rachel kept silent once again, her mind reeling with thoughts and promises she’d kept for herself over the years. Everything coming back to her all at once and she can feel them piling up and weighing down on her. Santana was looking at her with concern now and something was twisting in her gut and she was confused and conflicted and she couldn’t honestly decide what to feel.

“You… you wanted to be friends again?” her voice was soft and scared and barely audible, but it was enough for Santana to hear her.

Santana nodded cautiously, staring at her with so much worry Rachel could feel the shiver in her bones.

She swallowed hard, thinking it would be a bad idea and that she should just leave right now and never see her again.

But as she looked at Santana’s face, at her eyes really, she found herself being drawn and she thought maybe it would be worth it.

She smiled and tightened her arms around her ex girlfriend’s neck.

“I’d like that.”

…

_TBC_


End file.
